A new me???

Have been off Zoloft(aka evil mind numbing highly life stealing- toxic substance) for 10 months and it is from sheer human will to exist that I am still here...alive , a mother to my 2 little boys.
There were days I was so frightened That I would harm them and or myself A la Paula Yates......the withdrawal was the most awful gut wrenching soul shattering experience I have ever experienced.The physical pain was excruciating and the mental torment inexplicable....I only wish I had the right mind to have documented it, but I was much too busy crying buckets of hot salty toxic tears and thinking of new and disturbing ways to end my life and all those bastards(Doctors) along the way who I felt were somehow connected and or responsible for my being prescribed the most unsound medication...of which I did not need.....
I was not monitored by a Doctor...no doctor supported my decision to be off the drugs....no talk therapy...which I recommend if thinking of going off any medication, although it is very difficult to find anyone to support a decision of being drug free..it may put these people out of business!!I went down in dosage over many months, then did a pill every second day, then every third day until I was so fed up of trying to remember what day I need to take my fucking pill...I just stopped ....and the merry go round of painful and horrid symptoms began....dizziness...brain zaps, blurry vision, forgetfulness, irritability, heart palpitations....night sweats... chills ,loss of appetite, digestive troubles....food began to smell and taste like soap, muscle cramps, body aches, migraines, hair loss, skin rashes itchiness.....feelings of detachment......... confusion, (I think I may have had a stroke!!) I dropped 20 pounds over a short amount of time and people who saw me were alarmed.......I suffer still from all these symptoms but less frequently, or have been accustomed to them.I have seen Doctors who when I describe my symptoms and tell them of my plight are less then sympathetic and not very motivated to help me.My husband says that I am out of that brain fog I used to seem to live in and am more alive and reactive....I am starting to get my reflexes back,but do feel off my game most of the time.My feelings of detachment(like my head and body were separate) are not as vivid...it is a long road and I hope there is a healthy end for me.I warn anybody reading this to seek alternative therapies when going through withdrawal.
I believe I am better off the drugs than I was on.I see now that it did cause me depression, rather than help....I am not depressed.....I am anxious.I often felt like the Zoloft was like worms eating holes through my brain and now I feel somewhat dysfunctional .....I have had 12 years taken from me.....now these almost 11 months of trying to recover.......time will tell ..I am still unwell .I will keep up the fight .Fucking Zoloft...and those who endorse it, sell it , prescribe it and manufacture it....pure evil in a pill.I hope worms eat there brains and that they one day experience a hel(or go to hell)l not so unlike my Zoloft manufactured hell....that may help my recovery ....

And where am I?

where am I in this zoloft drenched haze that I seem to function in?Function hardly. I know , and have known for a long time that this "harmeless" litle pill is indeed killing me. not in a physical way, but in a soul -ripping and- tearing -spirit- numbing kind of way. By fixing the depression , this medication is stripping away my soul, my creative element, which is at the very core of my spirit,
the one reason to live.......hmmmm what to do?

was it always like this????

Was I always this dense? It is though I am in a fog,It doesn't help that I am 6 months along with my second child, but really I am dazed. My husband is sure that "fog" and most of my other strange qualities are due to the medication I am taking and have been for 10 years, and not entirely willingly either! I am amazed that I am able to operate this keyboard. How I make it through my daZe I do not know......I used to know how to write and have things to write about, but I fear that the evil ZOLOFT has suck out all the creative juices that may have been flowing freely in my little brain.Maybe forever.

Just a little something that has been on my mind.....

For ten years I have been prescribed anti-depressants. I have tried numerous times to stop. No such luck All of it, the drug, The doctors that prescribe them over and over companies that hire the evil freaks who formulate and distribute them ......
Well, that's all my zoloft- saturated grey matter will allow for now, Must lie down.